Eva Feels the Wrath of Karma

I’m a pansy, and it makes me a bitch. I’m not totally sure why I get so turned off by people who want to get serious, it just happens and I shut down. Then, the thought of facing someone who is upset with me is so terrifying that I go into hiding. That’s what happened with the last 5 people I dated. With every single one of them things were going along great, then suddenly I realized their feelings for me were more intense than mine for them, a switch flipped on, and I froze up. Instead of letting any of them know that I needed more time or that I felt smothered or wanted to be friends, the thought of them wanting me so badly made me feel like they were needy and I just ran away. I ignored phone calls, responded to texts days after receiving them, gave them aloof one word responses, and treated them like dirt. With each one, the amount of time before they got it varied, and once I knew it had set in I completely stopped talking to them. I didn’t want them to ask me why I had changed my mind, because I couldn’t give them a good answer.

In short, I fall hard and run fast.

In my head, I was convinced they were all needy and annoying and I started picking apart their personalities.. just because they liked me alot. I turned them into whiny little puppies in my brain, even though they were all real people, with real feelings, who I had really liked at one point… facts I ignored so I could move on in my dating life without a pang of guilt.

And now, here I am getting mauled by the karma that I deserve and realizing what a bitch I was- and if any of those people I ignored are reading this, you can curl up your hand and raise it in a fist of triumph, because I will say honestly that I got a dose of my own medicine. But at least I am learning from it.

…..So I guess it’s finally time for me to lay down the saga of Jed.

Remember the Undie Run I wrote about back in May? Well, that’s where I met this guy. In the throbbing crowd of half naked college students, I was throbbing next to Jed. The tallest, cutest boy that I could see happened to be standing next to one of my friends, Natalie and I made our way over, and I found this handsome, tattooed guy  looking adorably confused at a marker in his hand.

“What’s that for?” I asked.

“Ummm.. I dunno, I just found it on the ground a couple of seconds ago. I don’t know what to do with it!”

“Autograph boobies, duh!” I yelled, ripped it out of his hands, and put Eva R. on his chest.

He laughed, and asked if he could sign mine.

Jed.

(not my rack, unfortunately)

Then the starting signal went off, the crowd broke, and everyone started running. We lost each other within minutes, but when I got home later that night I Facebooked “ Jeds” at ASU. He was listed on the first page and I added him. A few days later we talked. He asked me to go out and I was excited. I had found out already that this guy had hippie parents and grew up without a TV. I was a little flabbergasted, because until this point, I had never met anyone who had such a similar upbringing to mine. I was kind of eager to see if he was as cool as I thought he might be.

Then he stood me up.

He told me he would call me in 20 minutes so we could go do something. I sat for 3 hours, dressed up and ready to go, waiting for that phone call. Most girls probably would have written him off after sitting for a few hours on that first night, fully dressed and doing all of those “getting ready” things you only have time for if whoever you are going out with is really late. Painting your nails. Watching them dry. Tweezing all of the extra fine hairs around your eyebrows. Moisturizing your elbows. Cutting cuticles. Watching time ooze by as the realization eventually sets in that you’ve been sitting 3 hours and 20 minutes longer than planned and that call is NOT coming. But I’m 1000 times more patient than most other people, and gave him the benefit of the doubt.

We ended up hanging out the next 3 nights in a row. He was as cool as I thought he might be. He was intelligent, funny, quirky, great taste in music, and good looking. I tried to hide my excitement at the prospects of dating this guy, but I probably did a bad job of it. We spent a good amount of those first 3 times we hung out getting extra drunk with all of his recently graduated friends and I am sad to report that huge chunks of the conversations that we had are missing from my memory.

Then I didn’t hear from him for 3 days straight.

When we finally did talk, we made a date plan. We ended up spending something like 23 hours together on that first date. We hung out again the next night as well. It was an intense, highly alcoholic 2 days.

Then no talking for 4 days in a row. I started sweating.

Eventually, I got a text message from him, letting me know that he has an intense fear of moving too fast. I let him know that I definitely understood, and backed off considerably. I got so scared that he might potentially do what I had done to so many people before, and it made me so fucking nervous, I couldn’t handle it. This is when I debated whether, if I ever saw him again, I wanted to kick him in the balls or give him a hug. I wanted to stop liking him at all, but I couldn’t. And it was killing me. His unreliability, the way he could go 4 days without even thinking about me, the fact that everything was going so well and then it was like a switch flipped on, he froze up, and turned into a ghost. He was doing to me what I had done to so many guys and girls before. My confidence was in shambles and I hated him for it. To be fair, he told me he didn’t have his shit together and didn’t want a relationship. I told him it would be cool to just be friends, and I meant it.

But still, it persists. I want to hear from him and I never want to talk to him again. As much as I want to forget he exists and  ignore the fact that I have been rejected, I want so bad to be friends and somewhat nurture the connection that was made in the first few weeks I knew this guy. But the unreliability continues. It’s like we never had a single good conversation before. I get aloof one word responses from him and feel an overwhelming lack of interest when he is talking to me.

For the last 3 weeks, if we talked, it wasn’t because he initiated conversation, it’s because I debated whether or not to say “Hi!” for 10 minutes and risked being that person who just doesn’t get the hint.

Maybe it’s in my head, but I feel so awkward. The confident, fun-loving girl other people see is nowhere to be found when I hang out with this guy who has shown me what it feels like to be punished for liking someone too fast. My confidence with him is shattered, and I’m beginning to feel like we can’t be friends because I turn into such a self-conscious nincompoop around him that I will never be able to carry on a conversation again. The sympathetic side of myself continues to argue that he might be okay because he is doing exactly what I have done so many times before and it’s something I can understand, my proud side is longing to tell him off for being such a prick, and all of me just wishes I had never met him.. because I finally GOT it. It has set in, and I’m still torn up that I got such intense karma from someone who I thought I could connect with, even if it would be just as friends.

So there you have it. The Trainwreck is getting what she deserves, and I guess I just have to promise that if I end up dating another person who lays it on too thick, too early for me I’m going to deal with it the right way, be honest, and do my best to stay friends, because if I ever act like as big of a flaky bitch as I used to be, I want someone to punch me in the face.

One of Andy Hartmarks awesome photos. Of a good face punch.

I don’t want to make anyone resent me for turning ice cold without any notice, ever again. When someone I’m dating lets me know they are starting to feel attached I’m not going to burn the bridge down right away. Instead I need to evaluate the potential for a relationship as realistically as I can, and see if they can deal with being just friends. I don’t want to hide from the people that I make a connection with anymore… because now I realize how arrogant I was in assuming all of those people that I ran away from only wanted to date me and make me THEIRS and couldn’t handle anything else. Staying friends would be better than knowing they are feeling resentment towards me for slamming on the brakes and disappearing when things are seemingly going well. Now I’ve seen things from the other side of the situation, and I finally realize how dumb I was for running away from the people I made connections with.

Karma really is a bitch.